for the last little while ive been fairly distant on this site
which kind of sucks for me because i have a lot of things to say
ive honestly been away so long that its taking a second to get back into the writing style i have going for this
in an attempt to fix my absence im just going to word vomit my current going ons and broadcast them to the populace
well god the label is a thing
and im very happy it is like dont get me wrong im having a great time
essentially the idea is a record label that fixes whats wrong with record labels
we want to be community focused and band focused and let people retain their rights and generally just be kind of good where a traditional label wouldnt
only issue is just like the fact that anything legal is so fucking intimidating
like yeah heres one thousand million words and you need to read them all and understand them all
currently we have to do research on company structuring and how we want to incorporate
and let me tell you its a whole thing
we happen to also be looking into the most commie option thank the lord above
which is a workers co op which seems to be the best option we have so far
the only problem is all the material on it is so corporate commie and feels so goofy
wording aside though we do get a lot of benefits all around for the people that work for us
as well as a pretty good equality
and it seems to fit our purposes legally as well
on the other side of label things we have been talking to some local figures in the scene
research and hours of hovering over legal pages is fine
but the experience and proffesional opinions of those around us as well as the connection to our local community is important to us
since we want to be a community focused label theres not really any other way around it than to just kind of talk to people and get to know them and listen to what they have to say
its been really awesome so far and weve gotten plenty of good feedback and helpful suggestions
were also building a discord server to open up publicly at some point which should be interesting
definitely making sure it looks all nice and polished thus far
thats kind of all i got to say about it right now
we are definitely
DEFINITELY
D E F I N I T E L Y
just in the really rought starting phase and really need to stress that its going to take a lot more time and development before i really have anything new to say about it
ps did you like me breaking character for emphasis
im not gonna lie
it kind of hurt
dude being mentally ill is such a terrible fucking curse
usually kind of manageable
probably just in some sort of episode but the disconnect from reality lately has been concerning
ive kind of been solving it by hanging out with people and my girlfriend
the like scary thing about that is that i hate bugging people
i guess its not really bugging them like they want to hang out and its not like im using them to vent or go crazy or anything i just feel much more grounded and real around others
ive gotten into the habbit of getting sad when family members arent home and like
thats strange
weve never had that good of a relationship but again just the presence is kind of comforting
and i guess through all my recent breaking down my mom has really been there for me at some of the worst of it
like at least with her i feel like im rebuilding a relationship thats gonna be worth it in the long run
my dad is getting cooler but i think he still has some perspectives and opinions he needs to work out before we can even begin to get to where my mom and i have
hes honestly kind of been making it worse
like he keeps bugging me in weird ways i wont explain or just kinda dont want to
and then it just adds to the rest of the bullshit
but yeah back to the terrible dread cause i guess thats where i wanted to get with this
ive just had such an empty pit in my stomach like 24 7 for like six bajillion years and it sucks
meh whatever like just get over it right
used to smoke for the anxiety but it either doesnt help anymore or this is some new type of evil that i cant quite counter with something as simple as a substance
really afraid it might be the latter because weed shmokin still does unfortunately fix me like a good ninety percent of the time otherwise when its a not this kind of dread type of dread i guess
but ive been getting better at ignoring it
or thats a bad way of putting it
i mean its just constant and doesnt really have an identifiable source
so really i just labled it irrational and ive been giving less weight to the thought in my head as a result
it kind of does help
occasionally that does loop me into well its irrational so why are you feeling it huh kinda thoughts and then i feel bad for that
but usually thats when im too far gone anyways and need to go sleep it off to calm down probably
and isnt often
so thats nice
my girlfriend will maybe kill me for writing this
i dont know i dont really want to go into detail
but being able to like
oh my god im not gonna lie this shit is hard to write cause i just get so happy and yippee and like giddy in a wholesome way
but
its so fucking hot dude
like i love my girlfriend in every way
and being able to have these feelings and allowing myself to feel them is really nice
strict christian household right so i didnt grow up very comfortable around sex in the first place
and its honestly just very freeing and nice to be able to do it safely with someone you love in a fun way thats special to you
its only weird cause its not something ive been used to
even when i was in my old so called slut era the sex was just bad and made me feel bad so i kind of never understood
and so i never really saw it as something i would ever be able to fully enjoy
boy was i wrong
i mean sex is great but like the real thing that ive discovered is that i just love the care and attention to feelings and intimacy and like
its kind of just another fun way of exploring those things in a relationship with your partner
and not this big scary thing that will probably suck and make you feel awful
which i think is very neat
and also again my girlfriend is just very hot and i love her
shout out
polyamory is awesome
i really love good communication its been so incredible
and like more adult feelings but these ones feel weird cause wdym this is how im crushin bro
anyways its whatever and i dont really know if i want to do that much about it and im ok with just being friends because this person is just nice and cool
and polyamory isnt for everyone so i dont really know how id even go about that one lol
feel like u couldnt ask without it just coming off as straight up hitting on said person
which is a bit out of my range id really like to just make sure everyone involved is comfortable before i do anything at all lmao
so yeah some fun feelings there but all in all great and havin fun
maybe something will happen and maybe it wont
either way i will keep having this awesome relationship with my girlfirend
and end up with a good friend that i like having around at the least
hope im not subtweeting anyone not really sure who reads my blog in detail on the regular and also i dont really care
like if this is how someone finds out
actually no that would suck
point is im intentionally being vague and theres a lot of beautiful kind women in my life bless the lord
love my friends
i suppose thats another thing i want to talk about
i really love my friends
love to me is this really cool thing that doesnt have to be that different between friends and partners
i guess the only difference to me really is the presence or lack thereof of romantic feelings
like i definitely dont feel romantically about any of my friends
but we all lowkey cuddle and share the bed watching movies and take eachother out for lunch and outings and shit and its just fun like
do shit with your friends its awesome
do shit with your partner or partners its also awesome and you get to kiss them
or maybe kiss your friends too
sometimes you just have to kiss the homies and honestly thats ok
ive like talked with my girlfriend about this but sometimes you and a friend just wanna kiss you know
its not like you and every friend
or all the time
i probably actually dont want to kiss most of my friend to be honest
but i definitely used to be in a friend group like that and it was pretty cool for what it was at the time
even if looking back god was it the wrong group lol
but like
showing your friends physical affection isnt that scary
i hug like ninety percent of my friend if ive met them more than like once even
they pet me when they greet me sometimes now its great
and like again we cuddle and watch movies sometimes
so peak
i wonder if thats why its easy for me to develop crushes
cause historically i fake myself out a lot and really i just wanted to be friends actually
which ends up way better a lot of the time
huh
i feel like i should stop typing but this train of thought has just been on my mind for a while
whatever
im so fucking mentally drained dawg
burnt out maybe
maybe both i dont really know
i got into my dream college program for music production but i do still just kinda feel empty and sad whenever i try and make any music
the desire to write has tanked and ive kind of been chudding out on deadlock
tried to do some music stuff with my girlfriend earlier which really helped
honestly just made me touch something musical again
ive also got a concept going for what i want to do with my webcomic
it involves a few of my favorite things like conlangs and time travel and the laws of magic itself ehehe
ive never been an artist in that sense though
ive been learning to 3d model and i think maybe if i can stick to that for a bit itll give me time to refocus my creative energy instead of remaining burnt out on music
i really want to model a bunch of characters and props and sets so that i can just pose things and set them up in world instead of drawing
because that seems way more like something i could do
though it really does mean i need to get off my ass and learn blender
ive only got a few more months of summer before school does come and kick my ass
maybe ill start with the conlang though
since i intend for the plot to revolve around the research and study of this conlang that is the in universe language for magical spells essentially
kind of a dumb way to put it but i dont want to explain
and with any good time travel it has to be well planned out and executed
so im going to go and plan that out as ahead of time as i can as well
my girlfriend actually reminded me of something i might do though as well
which is making little smaller test comics in universe so that i can see how i like the workflow and how well i can manage it
really excited because i think this would be an incredible project
lowkey ive gotten way too into coffee
probably had like 3 today
really need to stop
im actually fucking dying its almost 0200 and ive been writing this page for over an hour i think
granted im kind of high and slow dont expect much
but for reals like i should not be staying up like this
i was doing so well after being prescribed sleep meds
and now im fucking with it again
ohhhhhhhhhh god
have you ever been so goddamn annoyed with how your body treats you
it really is worse and worse
i throw up more now
in the mornings
it used to be just nausea but we had to push the goalpoast i guess
on top of that the random aches are getting stabbier again
and the dull ones more constant
sleep is great for the so called rest but
any position outside of absolute perfection leaves me wrecked in the morning
and the worst part is i still feel like im faking it
no diagnosis
still on a waitlist
still not being treated
god im going crazy
like motherfucker i walk everywhere with a crutch now at twenty and you know what im not even the only person my age i know that has to
fuck
fuck
fuuuuuuck
fuck how you feel about your life after 9pm man
i just really hope that someday i can find a balance between managing symptoms and having fun
since im staying up so late tonight itll probs suck to get up tomorrow but
girlfriend is coming over and im catsitting so were gonna watch a movie and make sure everythings tidy for when our friends get back to their home with their cat
should be nice and chill and low energy at least
which is really what i need right now
i suppose thats another thing im worried about as a person with an interest in another right now
is that i am already a pretty low energy partner i like chill dates and movies and fun hanging out and talking and listening to music but
disability is kind of boring and i worry that that would affect things for me in my dating life
which is just ough kinda awful you know
but i mean its not like i cant do things i just think i have to manage my energy a little more conservatively these days considering im pre diagnosis and treatment of anything
again like if there is any treatment for this bullshit man
god fucking damnit
goodnight
i love you
thank you for staying