i didn't want this
nobody really does
and the reality is every single one of us will die or get to the point of disability in our lives
but how do you deal with something like this so early in your life
nobody really expects their 20s to be ripped away like this
so i really don't actually know
im currently stuck in the middle of a really bullshit diagnostic process that anyone whos been through it can agree is absolutely hellish
there are a lot of things i could go on about
symptoms and little fuckeries that bother me
and i probably will in more depth later but
at least right now i only really want to set things up
the last few months have been rough in the sense of being ill
things like being unable to stand or walk for normal periods of time
constant nausea and head sickness like headaches and dizziness and balance all off
but the pain doesnt really stop at the physical end of the stick you know
like the mental bullshit that comes along with it is really a pain in the ass
ive missed so many classes that its imbued me with this sense of guilt
and sure i could be pushing myself to go to class more
like right now im staying home and writing this article
but it took me 4 hours between the nausea and the pain to get out of bed today
am i really even fit to be in school right now you know
probably not but i try to keep going anyways because i payed a whole shitload of cash to be there and learn things
it just kind of sucks ass when you get one good day of classes in and youre stuck at home again dying the next day
well thats a stupid fucking question im in pain regardless
and diagnosis for things like this is usually a process of exculsion and months of healthcare waits
which is fine if you have no responsibilities and people to take great care of you
yeah well i dont have a fucking car
and im in debt cause im fucking stupid and made bad decisions
so really unless you have a really good support system already built up or a lot of money what are you gonna do
and just because you cant really see any of the physical effects like you can a cut or scrape
its still so incredibly obvious
or at least to my family who constantly makes note of how sickly and pale i look lol
and you wouldnt tell your grandma her dementia doesnt make it hard for her to walk because you cant see it would you
so yeah just cause i got fucked early on doesnt really mean anything
just believe me when i say god this shit sucks
well god i wish huh
i mean like i still think i am a lot of the time
i disregard my bodily needs quite often just because i want to pretend its fine and it all kind of comes back to bite me in the ass
now whether its curable and short term i couldnt tell you
theres a chance its something easily fixable
though i dont really know what that option would look like since ive already been through so much blood testing and scanning
im about to do more actually
but the odds are its something more serious
ive been to physio where i was told there was next to nothing wrong with my muscles or bones really
just some minor stuff but absolutely nothing in proportion to the pain right
ive been to the er a year or so back when it was really bad in my back and chest
and they sent me with tylenol and scans that said i was fine
so yeah i really do feel like im faking shit a lot of the time
but im also severely mentally ill so i should probably trust my body and not my brain
to be honest with you i really dont fucking know
all ive been doing right now is skyrocketing my cannabis tolerance
and getting into my supply of painkillers
i got a pair of forearm crutches which are supposed to be better support for walking and standing
which they are
but as evidenced by my presence at home today they obviously aren't a fix all
ive also been hanging out a lot with friends that understand me
another friend of mine is also chronically ill slash disabled and is great to talk to about these things
though i try not to dump it all on the poor fucker
were both already dealing with a lot
ive also been trying to spend as much time as i can with my girlfriend when schedules are permitting
i like to do that
its not particularly helpful pain wise hey
but having someone so caring and kind
whos presence just kind of relaxes you and brings you warmth and comfort
is such a big help in times like these
again though i really dont want to dump my issues on anyone so its never really the full story in picture when im talking to anyone but my doctors about it tbh
ive also found comfort in some more post hardcore music
ive been really enjoying the pain seeped vocals and thematics of the genre
but i dont want to talk about music right now
i kind of just want to end the article lol
yeah really the big point here is that this shit sucks and im done with it and there are little things that help but honestly its such a drag so i think ill just keep coasting and trying to do my best whilst falling apart at the seams
hopefully further diagnostics and treatment starts to help
god save me